That time Yum! Brands took over Star Wars

With a new Star Wars trilogy debuting in December, I was thinking back to how they ┬ápromoted The Phantom Menace back in 1999 when some marketing genius decided “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if iconic representatives of all three Yum! Brands franchises got together and become Jedis or something?” Of course, they immediately ran into two problems 1) Colonel Sanders has been dead since the late 1970s and 2) Pizza Hut has never had any kind of mascot. The first one wasn’t that big of a deal as it seems like every 5-10 years, KFC decides to resurrect the Colonel in some form or another (they’re doing it again right now). To deal with the second issue, they just got some girl who delivers pizzas for a living.

So, here’s the first commercial the Yum! Brands Star Wars saga. It introduces our heroes: Undead Jedi Colonel Sanders, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, and of course, Pizza Hut Girl. The pose was meant to evoke the original movie poster from the first Star Wars movie (Fuck you, Lucas! I will never call it “Episode IV”). I think they were trying to cast Pizza Hut Girl as a sort of female version of Han Solo based the fact that she has a blaster instead of light saber. Because, you know, pizza delivery girls are the smugglers of our world.

Oh and we mustn’t forget the plug for the collectibles game. Does anyone still have any of those pogs?

In the second commercial, the Yum! Brand heroes actually spring action.

This is without a doubt, the most ridiculous commercial ever made. Just look at the sequence of events. A distress call from Naboo is heard which causes the statue of Colonel Sanders to come to life and do a twenty-foot leap into a convertible. Pizza Hut Girl (Seriously! They never bothered to give her a name?) does a somersault off a bridge and lands in Undead Sanders’ convertible. Next, they stop at a dance club to pick up the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Finally, our heroes pilot their convertible into space and make the jump to lightspeed.

Still, it was better than Phantom Menace. At least there was no Jar-Jar Binks.

Side note: Given that this commercial is now sixteen years old, the chihuahua is almost certainly dead by now. Maybe he’s in Jedi Heaven with the Colonel.

And here’s the third installment. Our Yum! Brands heroes have arrived on Naboo and face the droid army. I actually laughed at the Taco Bell Chihuahua’s line. “You’re a real colonel, right?”

I think most people know that Harlan Sanders was never an officer in the U. S. armed forces. His title of “Colonel” was an honorific that state of Kentucky bestows upon prominent citizens for some reason or another. It’s sort of a knighthood for rednecks.

Anyway, after defeating a single droid, the heroes have a moment to look cocky before the entire droid army descends on them.

I’m pretty sure this was the last in the series of Yum! Brands Jedi adventures. At least it’s the last one I remember. It features Undead Colonel Sanders and Pizza Hut Girl fighting off the droid army. Then, a hover tank approaches them. They think they’re defeated until the hatch opens up to reveal the Chihuahua.

“Hey, look what I found.”

Because, “Ha ha! Remember when they did this exact same gag in Return of the Jedi but with Chewbacca instead of an eleven pound dog?”

Well, that was it. I guess the heroes saved the day and returned to their normal lives of selling really crappy fast food. Did Colonel Sanders return to being a statue? Did Pizza Hut Girl ever get a name?

Who knows? Who cares?